Jonathan: A garden pest we suffer here is a real nuisance at this time of year, with it being warm and still – the conditions they prefer. They sneak into the garden when we’re not looking, trample on plants, snacking on a pod of peas here, a gooseberry or two there, even helping themselves from the tray of produce we’ve just harvested for our own meal and have just put down for a minute or to – and sticking their noses into everything.  If they hear the house door open they make for the gate at a speed nicely calculated to be decisive but not too obvious. If asked – politely – if there’s anything they’d like, the answer is usually something along the lines ‘we were just admiring your garden – it really is quite wonderful!’  If you ask if there’s something they’d like to buy, they always seem to ask for something that isn’t listed on the notice board outside, never sell, or even never grow at all! – which neatly puts them in the right – they can walk away having got what they want (which in essence is something to do on their holiday and to satisfy their curiousity) without having to part with any money. (Someone once asked us once for 35mm film! For heavens sake! – what do they think we are, a museum!).  When I tell them we don’t sell whatever it might be they asked for, they respond with an air of profound disappointment or even mild annoyance, and make their escape.  Some – perhaps those less well endowed with sheer bloody cheek – feel that they have to go further in justifying their uninvited presence by asking us one or more of the stock questions. How long have you been here exactly? ; Where do you come from? ; How do you cope with the winters here? They’re not really interested, it’s just a ploy to insinuate themselves into the role of guest than intruder, and they even have the nerve to intimate by their body language that we’re keeping them from more urgent business.  Another popular ploy – in the case of a larger party of people – is that they split up, one person – well versed in the art of wasting other people’s time – being assigned to the job of tying us down with unedifying conversation, whilst the others make free with our garden and the shop at their leisure.  When we get to the point when we ask whether there’s anything they wish to buy, they point vaguely up the garden to the others, prognosing airily the certainty – or near certainty – that ‘the girls’ or ‘our friends’ are wanting something, and will be down to the house in a moment.  From my careful study of such cases, over a number of years, the pointing gesture is not, as one might suppose, intended to more precisely identify the aforesaid ‘girls’ or ‘friends’ – should I be in any doubt about the matter or be desirous of better acquaintance – and more likely a pre-arranged signal to the aforesaid ‘girls’ or ‘friends’ to make ready for a quick exit, lest any risk should arise that they should have spend any money.  It’s not that we insist that everyone who comes into the garden should buy something (certainly not!), nor that we mind chatting with people, or letting them look round our garden; but that’s for us to give, not for others to take. There’s some folk who are manifestly interested in and genuinely delighted with our garden, and for them it’s a pleasure in return to be generous with our time and tolerant of intrusions on our privacy; but for those that simply abuse the invitation to buy our surplus vegetables and fruit (which necessitates only walking up the drive to the house door – not an adventure safari to the four corners of the walled garden) – to satisfy their selfish and presumptious expectations, we have nothing but contempt, and it’s only a lifetime habit of good manners that prevents us from sending them packing! But I do have my limits: just ask the man from Crieff who (as I saw from my office window) helped himself to a handful of gooseberries, but having tasted one (probably under-ripe) spat it out and threw away the others. I stormed downstairs and marched up the garden. Almost speechless with indignation, I pointed at the gate: “Out – Now!”.  And by the way, the answer to How do you cope with the winters here? is … Very well indeed! By far the best time of year: no midges – or other garden pests